All my life, I've stayed away all things patriotic. Oscar Wilde's words "Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious" was truth to me from my school days. At the age of 18, I had concluded that patriotism is to be shunned in all forms and shapes. It was all very dogmatic, narrow and condescending for me; any reasonable person could see through the national narratives and the propaganda that went along with it.
Up until couple of days back, i did not feel any different for the national anthem and I've not had a chance to hear it for a long time. But on 31 August, I had the privilege to attend the Arjuna award ceremony at the Rashtrapati Bhavan (The Indian President's Official Home). The ceremony began with the national anthem and within seconds of it starting, i was transposed back to my school ground. But it felt very different. I felt nostalgic, strong, sad like i was about to cry, honored, proud and umm... what's that word... patriotic... perhaps. The whole phenomenon was strange but the ceremony left me feeling special.
That night, in my bed, i could not reconcile how i had felt about patriotism all my life and what happened to me earlier that day. I still loathed how some people believed they and their country were superior to 'others'. It still felt frustrating to see that people could not take away the coloured glass of national narratives to observe world events in relative objectivity. But what changed personally for me was that I could appreciate the honor, valour, hard work, courage and unselfish love of the country that some people displayed. The realization that while i do not have to be fanatic i can still adore and cheer for my country. My country is my home. Sure, i don't like all the problems in our country nor do i have answers to it. But it is still home.
I remember standing straight as a rod in the morning sun for the school assembly through the national anthem, the prayers and other assorted incantations but without much sentiments or thought. That was no place for sentiments or feelings. It was about survival. I had other pressing concerns such as keeping one-hand's distance from the person standing in front me, avoiding the ignominy of being the first person in the line and therefore being dubbed 'the dwarf of the class', and keeping my eyes and ears open to avoid any sudden contact with the PT sir's stick. That swooshing sound that his thin cane stick would make before it touched our skins... the terror of it. But i digress.
 |
| Rashtrapati Bhavan, New Delhi |
That night, in my bed, i could not reconcile how i had felt about patriotism all my life and what happened to me earlier that day. I still loathed how some people believed they and their country were superior to 'others'. It still felt frustrating to see that people could not take away the coloured glass of national narratives to observe world events in relative objectivity. But what changed personally for me was that I could appreciate the honor, valour, hard work, courage and unselfish love of the country that some people displayed. The realization that while i do not have to be fanatic i can still adore and cheer for my country. My country is my home. Sure, i don't like all the problems in our country nor do i have answers to it. But it is still home.
